So I'm sitting at home, pretending to watch something on TV while my baby watches her cartoons on the laptop...
I don't realize that I am literally starring at my phone weirdly until she points out that I look like a zombie and we both giggle. Her smile reaches her eyes, she seems happy. But mine doesn't 'cause I can hardly feel my face. I can feel myself getting numb due to the mixed emotions going all wild inside of me.
This is new to me, not entirely, as I wouldn't say I have never loved another man before. But this, you and me, is different. It's not a silly teenage love affair-like thing. No. It's grown and mature and I want to hold onto to it, but it scares the heck out of me. God knows that being with you consumes me!
For starters, I have lived for the longest time with my emotions shut somewhere far that I could never reach for them. I had to shut them out, 'cause I had been hurting from years of harbored internal pain. I didn't know how to deal with them, so I decided to shut them out and care very little for human kind except for my little girl.
Can't believe I'm heeding my shrink's advise only now that he's gone! He always asked me why I was so angry and we would always explore the possible genesis of it all.
For the longest time, he asked me if I'd ever re-marry and at first I'd say never! But with time and after lots and lots of therapy sessions, I started saying that I would... someday... if and when I found the right man.
And of course you can imagine his next question; who would the right man be like?
After probably a week's brain-racking, I said, "I know I don't have the right to ask God of this, but I really just want a man who truly fears Him and one I cannot live without!"
And then I sat there and wept, 'cause even I didn't know what what I'd just said meant to me. And he let me... tissues and all.
Three days later, he asked me why I would not wish for a rich man or a successful man and all the other stuff the average girl chases after.
I said, beaming, "Well, because I'm not your average girl. *smiles*"
I added, "I just want a God-fearing man I could not live without because ain't no way he'd fear God and not treat me right. That kind of man would help me be the woman I yarn to be but do not know how to become. That kind of man would grow with me, emotionally and spiritually. That kind of man would see God's existence in me. And ain't no way he'd lay a finger on me, knowing that I'm God's own gift to him."
My shrink stared at me in awe and then said, "I'll not charge you a dime from now on, girlie. You'd do my job better... someday!"
After his passing, I thought I would lose my head. I thought I'd head for destruction with my face first. But just a few months down the line while I was still blocking all human contact except that of my little girl's, 'cause I needed to talk to someone so bad, you just dropped on my laps!
It has been an interesting couple of weeks; with me trying to explore the human side of me that actually feels for another human being, and you trying to find yourself [as you put it] and all.
I mean, here I am, starring right into the eyes of the exact description of a man I asked God for not so long ago, but the man looking back into my eyes is just broken as I am. He's hurting inside and I don't know what to do about it. Why? Because this is the first time in like forever that I'm actually allowing myself to feel all these emotions. It's as if I've just switched on an "emos" button and can't switch it back off!
I'm scared as hell, 'cause I don't know how I'm required to act in a normal relationship, if this is even normal. I mean, what exactly do couples do when they're not having sex?
But I'm willing to learn how to do this. I want to love you like my life depends on it. Screw the rules. Screw the dos and don'ts of relationships. Just screw it all. I just wanna be insanely capable of saying "I love you" to another human being other my daughter and actually mean it.
Oh, by the way, I'm so bipolar it's crazy. But I'm willing to bury the BS and be yours, to love and to honor you (and all that stuff people say in situations like this).
Call this desperation, being pathetic, nagging, clingy, etc. That would be your own baby. Mine, Sir, is to NOT give up on you.
At this point, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I'm actually proposing to you. Of course you're a guy and probably not used to this, but here I am. Pride, out of the window, gone! Here's is all of me.
Allow me to be THE girl, not "THAT girl". Allow me to be YOUR woman, no BS, no rules. Just you and I - us - helping each other face our deepest fears, one step at a time, loving each other with every waking breath... Just us.
P.S: I understand that you need your space to sort out whatever it is you wanna sort out by yourself. Promise not to pressure you into talking to me or making any kind of contact in the process. I pray for you. God's listening, that much I'm sure of.